Blog

Retirement from triathlon

27th Nov 2022

It’s been over a year now since retiring from elite triathlon. I was lucky enough to retire sort-of on my own terms - not forced by injury or being dropped from a team.

Family is the number 1 reason for retiring

On the contrary I was delighted to be selected one last time to represent GBR at World and European Champs, and achieve most of my other retirement goals. To do myself justice in Xterra Pro races. To get into the top 100 World Rankings. And even a goal I didn’t expect - to finish back on the elite podium.

I would have loved to carry on longer, but realistically I felt I had reached my potential, at 41 I could not get any faster, and it’s ever harder to avoid or recover from injury. Not only that, but the standard of off-road triathlon is going up every year! There are so many talented new athletes only half my age, with all the potential to keep improving. It would also be a relief not to travel anymore which had been massively stressful during Covid times.

I was looking forward to spending more time with my son, husband, friends and our dog Beaker. We also hoped that it was not too late to build our family. For someone like me who came into elite sport later in life (at 33) it has been a career-long dilemma of only having a few years left to follow two mutually exclusive dreams. We wondered if we would ever be able to have a family after several years, multiple miscarriages and eventually going through 2 rounds of IVF before we were lucky enough to have our son in 2018 (I have written about this in previous blogs).

From that successful round we still had 2 frozen embryos. We never knew if we could face putting ourselves through that stress again, however they were always there in the freezer and in the back of our minds. We love being parents to Torben, he is such a kind, thoughtful and funny boy, and everything had been worth it to have him. I often hoped he would have a sibling, and eventually we came to the decision it was worth trying instead of always wondering what might have been.

There seems to be a lot of misconception that IVF is a magic solution that’s guaranteed to work, but this is not the case at all! The odds are not something any logical person would bet money on! But the potential outcome is something you can’t put a price on. Several friends have successfully had a child from a frozen embryo so I felt optimistic as we literally ticked every box on healthy lifestyle and all the things you are supposed to do. But the success rate is only 35% so realistically it’s more likely to fail than succeed. Going to the clinic was far more stressful in Covid times than it had been before - knowing at any point if you test positive, the treatment will be cancelled and you lose all the money and have to start again.

However, having got past all those hurdles, I was so convinced it was going to work that I was devastated when the first pregnancy test was negative. We would have to wait another 2 months to try again, and it was a pretty miserable Christmas. I remember taking the test on the day we went to see Christmas lights. It was pouring with rain and I couldn’t have felt any less festive, but at least nobody could see the tears and we tried to make the best of it for Torben.

In the New Year we prepared ourselves to try again, the whole routine of taking medications in secret, making up excuses in work to go to appointments, having to decline social training and races with the tri club, desperately trying to avoid Covid, feeling like shit but having to put on a façade in public and for Torben. I wasn’t so optimistic this time. I was less surprised but no less disappointed when we had another negative test.
That was our last embryo. So what now?

Everything feels worse when it seems like everyone else is popping out babies left right and center, getting pregnant naturally (which we did also try but know is not a great chance over the age of 40) and just sailing through life, taking it all for granted and moaning about their kids who they don’t even appreciate. Maybe I would have been the same if it happened for us so easily, and in a way I’m glad it was not easy the first time round. It taught us a lot of life lessons in humility, gratitude, and made us far better and more tolerant parents! It puts all other things - including racing - into perspective.

But what was the sense in going through all this heartbreak again? What more life lessons were we meant to learn? I can put myself through almost anything to get to where I want to be, but it’s hard to accept there is no rhyme or reason, nothing you can do, and there will be no happy ending.

Just when we thought things couldn’t get any worse, we lost our beloved dog Beaker. He was the closest thing we have to a second child, and he was taken so suddenly and cruelly. Instead of going up to 5, our family had gone down to 3. I will never forget running across the fields behind our house when I got the phone call that made my blood run cold. The call from our dog walker to say Beaker had been hit by a car. I waded across the river in my work clothes to get to him, not knowing what I was going to find. It was a small mercy he was already dead and hadn’t suffered, but I will never forget lying with him in the road in a pool of blood, holding him while he was still warm, and wishing I could have said a proper goodbye. Just one more day together. We thought we would have 10 more years! He was only 4 years old. We had got him after our second miscarriage - (unknowingly) as a therapy dog, and he had been there for us ever since. During the IVF, a pregnancy filled with anxiety – which only someone who has been through loss could appreciate - and then the death of Simon’s dad the same week Torben was born.

Whenever I am upset I go to the dog and I feel better. He was the most joyous and loyal companion, now he is not there and I don’t know what to do with myself! We didn’t just have to deal with our own grief but also Torben’s. Beaker had been like a big brother to him and we encouraged this, not knowing if he would ever have a human sibling. He wanted to know over and over again what had happened – Why did he run into the road? Why was he chasing a pheasant? Who tried to help him? Why couldn’t even the vet help him? Why can’t he have his body back? I don’t want him to be the grey powder, I want him to be a dog again. Perfectly articulating all our own questions of trying to reason with the world, yet can’t answer! At the moment it’s hard to find meaning in anything.

I started seeing a counsellor, which I’ve done several times in the past, and had found helpful in the moment to have someone to talk to, but I didn’t have high hopes this time would be life-changing. I was wrong!

It would be impossible to make this up, but the night before Beaker died, I had been watching a documentary about Chris Packham and he talked about therapy dogs for autism - which is quite common now but wasn’t a thing in the 80’s and 90’s when he grew up. He recognised that’s what his dogs were to him. Simon and I saw in a new light how much Beaker meant to us and what a difference he made… the very next day he was gone.

I mentioned this in my next counselling session and also some other things Chris said that I could relate to - about life being easier the more things you’re able to control. And my frustration that I can’t control or accept any of the current situation, maybe I just have Asperger’s or something like he does! But instead of saying - of course you haven’t! Because you do this and this and this, which doesn’t fit the stereotype… she said actually, I thought you were on the spectrum within the first few minutes you walked in the door. She hadn’t wanted to say anything to upset me in case I didn’t know! (Which I didn’t).

Perhaps it was the answer to all the things I find difficult (or easy) in life and could never explain… perhaps I had been looking in completely the wrong place for answers all this time.

To cut a long story short, I ended up being diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) - in the past this would have been Asperger’s but I prefer to call it high functioning ASC - i.e. the high intelligence end of the spectrum! It’s crazy that Simon and I have joked for 10 years that I am “on the spectrum” because of my need to plan things, my dread of spontaneity or rushed decisions, hating social situations where I don’t know people etc… but we always dismissed the idea I would meet a diagnosis. Because I don’t fit several of the key stereotypes – which we now know are outdated and based on male-only data. For example, I have always had friends, and I highly value them. I don’t avoid social situations (although I do find them tiring!) I have empathy - often too much empathy – in some situations I feel other people’s pain, and I have never been able to watch the news because I find it too upsetting.

This was a lightbulb moment and explains so many things. And now I am gradually re-evaluating everything from my whole life in a new context.

What it meant for the current situation is that *anyone* would have a hard time dealing with what we are going through. But someone with ASD would find it *even more* difficult because of the black and white style of thinking. I.e. “but this is not how it was supposed to be! I did everything I was supposed to do, and ticked every box so why didn’t it work out? Why did it work out for them and not us, what did they do differently? What did they do to deserve it?”

But life (as I logically know) doesn’t work like that - it is not a flow chart, although I often wish it was! My brain demands a logical explanation and I can’t give it one.

It also explains all the incidents of self-harm (in hindsight these were meltdowns) because the brain cannot deal with this overload of emotional pain, and causing physical pain is a great relief! This has always been misunderstood, and therefore hidden, because I don’t want to actually hurt/damage myself, I’m not trying to kill myself, and I’m not going to hurt anyone else! It’s just sometimes the only way of breaking the short circuit in the brain. Because the underlying cause of autism is that the brain is wired differently from ‘neurotypical’ people. I have always known I think differently from other people. But now finally I know I can’t change that even if I wanted to! (Goodness knows how many times I’ve tried).

What this means on the positive side, is that I would probably never have been successful as an elite athlete without ASC. Neurodiverse people often describe having a super-power – and it makes sense elite sport was mine! I never had any outstanding physical talent for triathlon. I have always felt my success was down to mental ability – what others would call motivation or dedication, but what is just default mindset to me. And other ‘powers’ like being quick to learn skills, the ability to hyper-focus, the ability to suffer. And the ability to commit to a long term plan and never give up – even if it takes 25 years. Sure - I must have above-average physical talent, but there were always more naturally gifted kids in school, athletics club, and the triathlon world. Most of them didn’t have what it took mentally. I now understand that my neurological powers are what allowed me to reach elite level.

It is probably also why I have been willing to put myself through almost anything to have a family. That is the only thing more important in life than sport. We probably had one more chance to try IVF before I am too old (it is not recommended over the age of 42, unless you use donor eggs). Simon thought we had been through enough already, but I didn’t think I could live with the regret of not trying everything. It was genuinely our last chance chronologically and financially. It would have been great to have a break from the sh** and regroup, but it felt like every month we waited was diminishing our chances.

We travelled to Southampton for baseline testing to see if treatment was even an option. No sooner had we done that, both of us got Covid! In a way it was a relief to get it out of the way, knowing we were unlikely to catch it again during the course of treatment. Who knows if it had any impact on the treatment - we will never know. This time our chances were only 15% due to being older. I would love to say we won the lottery on this one - after all, we know friends who were given a 1% chance and still succeeded. But it was not to be and again we had no luck.

This is the most frustrating part of the whole situation - whether or not any person or couple can have children is 99% luck. OK maybe a few percent influenced by lifestyle factors. But nothing whatsoever to do with whether anyone ‘deserves’ children or will be a good parent or not. In my life model (and ASC brain) hard work should equal success and effort deserves reward, but there is almost no correlation between wishing and working and putting yourself through hell that no-one who hasn’t experienced it could ever comprehend… and still having nothing to show for it.

The other thing about ASC (at least in my case) is experiencing life in extremes. Perhaps this is why other people experiment with recreational drugs and I’ve never felt the need because my life is a rollercoaster of highs and lows anyway! Which is great when things are good, and I feel so happy I could burst! But when it comes to the lows, they are equally extreme.

In this situation I have learned from many a coach to look for all the ways, however small, to make things better. That feeling Chris Packham talked about of controlling things.

To start with, there was a dog-shaped hole in our lives that needed to be filled, so the first ray of light was looking for another pet! We could never replace Beaker and we deliberately sought something different - ending up with a black cocker spaniel called Traekul. It would be different saying “good girl!” instead of “good boy” and maybe even the option of puppies in future.

My job situation also needed to be addressed. All the time we were going through IVF it was impossible to look for another job - partly because I didn’t have the energy or focus for anything else, but also it doesn’t seem good integrity to accept a new job and then say oh by the way… I’m off on maternity leave. But I had been disillusioned in my old job for a while. I felt undervalued (not to mention underpaid) and more significantly I felt that they had tried to dismiss the ASC diagnosis and ignored my requests for reasonable adjustments that are actually a legal requirement! I wasn’t even asking for anything new, just to carry on working from home as I had done effectively during Covid for the past 2.5 years!

On a particularly annoying day I thought f*** it and responded to one of the many recruitment agent emails I usually ignore. This one had stood out previously but I ignored it for weeks and assumed the job would already be gone.

But a couple of weeks and interviews later, I had been offered what sounded like the ideal job – similar to what I already did (Wordpress/Web Developer) but mostly working from home - occasionally in London – with opportunities to progress, much better pay… And best of all as a BCorp – a far more forward-thinking and nurturing environment where they actually saw my ASC as an advantage and a big reason I’m good at my job!

It was the best decision I had taken for a long time. Perhaps it was meant to be and that for this door to open all the other ones had to close. I don’t think I’ve been excited about my career since I was a new graduate – for the past 15+ years I’ve mostly just seen work as something I do to pay the bills and fund the things I *really* want to do like race and travel, and latterly provide for a dog and child with a comfortable home. While I always took pride in doing any job to the best of my ability, it was never a passion. But it feels like this could be my new passion and purpose – especially when the work aligns with my lifelong ethical and environmental values.

Of course, I will not be sitting at a computer all day and giving up exercise altogether. Sport is in my blood! I am also excited about the other part of this new chapter that I am working with a coach again (Kit and Kirsty at TTT) - I have missed having a training program! While I don't have time to train for 3 sports anymore, I will be going back to my roots and my favourite sport of running... and see where that takes me next!